rouge_stryker

Work got annoying this week even though I don't have enough hours. I probably get like 8 hours a week so far. But I like that schedule. If I worked a full schedule, I'll probably be like I go to work tomorrow or the next day then I get all stressed again. Okay here's the story.

I worked on Saturday from 9am to 3pm. I got there like 15 minutes early. I was looking around and okay there's no one there yet to open the door for me. SO I wanted a little longer. 5 minutes before the store was suppose to open I called the manager saying Hey there's no one here and the door is still locked. Who is suppose to open the door for me? She was like wait a couple minutes and she didn't know who was suppose to open the door.(So much for a manager..) She said if there is still no one there call me back.

Then it was 9 am, I called her back, she said okay I'll be there in 1 minute. She finally came and open the door. The whole salon was a mess from the day before. There was no freakin dried white towels at all. Only the dark ones used for cleaning. There was like a customer already in the door. The manager went to the back and asked me WHERES THE WORK SCHEDULE FOR THIS WEEK? I told her I DON'T KNOW. It definitely wasn't hanging on the wall where it was suppose to be. She was scrambling around looking for it. Then she started calling people and asking them are they coming to work today. One of the girls that was suppose to come in at 9 am said her schedule changed to 9:30 am.

So I asked the manager HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO SET UP WITHOUT ANY WHITE TOWELS? She told me to make do with what we have. I was thinking WTF. SO I had to use the dark towels. she was all like I THOUGHT YOU SAID THERE WEREN'T ANY TOWELS LEFT? I said THE WHITE ONES because the white ones are used for setting up and using on customers... So I started cutting hair on the first customer hair.

Then I guess the manager started calling the other workers to come in, there was like a freaking wave of stylists in the door. There was basically like 6 of us in the shop. And guess what two of us were sent home by the owner over the phone. One of the stylists says the owner sent you home, if you don't like it or have a problem with that, go call them. I just rolled my eyes. Me and this other girl that just started were sent home. I was there for like an hour and a half waiting on their asses and now they sent me home. I didn't mind so much because I was really freaking sick.

The next day I didn't work I asked my sis in law when she went to work there to check the work schedule for me just in case it changed. And to get my check signed because the owner forgot to sign it. She came back home and told me that the schedule didn't changed except for the fact that she didn't work on Monday. I was like okay. But she told me just in case call them to make you don't work tomorrow. It was already too late for me to call, it was 9 pm, when they closed. So i waited the next day. But I told myself if the schedule didn't change, why would I work tomorrow.

So I called them the next day when I woke up which was like 10 am. I asked them when is the next day I worked. They told me today at 10:30 am to 5. I was like WTF SO MY SCHEDULE DID CHANGE. But the stylist told me that it didn't changed. I wasn't stupid. SO I called the manager and told her that I didn't know I was suppose to work today. She told me again that the schedule didn't change, I told her IT DID. She was like okay IT'S NOT SO BUSY TODAY SO STAY NEXT TO YOUR PHONE IN CASE IT GETS BUSY. I was like fine.

I wrote down all the days and hours I worked when the schedule came out. On monday I didn't worked, my sis-in-law was suppose to work that day, but she asked for it off, but it was already on her schedule. On Saturday, the day the schedule disappeared THE OWNER took the schedule home and changed my schedule with my sis in law on mondays. The stupid part is if the schedule changed, why wasn't I notified and  people keep telling me that the schedule stayed the same. I was pissed off that day. If they did call me to go in, I wasn't a happy camper...

Last night my family went to the movies to watch The Unborn. It was around 9:30 pm and we were seated. The movie didn't start until 10:10pm. We were the only ones there early, 8 of us. So we just sat there talking and joking. It was kinda creepy because we were the only one. I had a weird feeling. The all of a sudden in the corner of my eye, to the left, I saw a bright light flashed by. It was like a white little ball of light that looked like it came from the ceiling turned left and went down and disappeared. It made like an upside down L. It was like someone was shining a laser light, but laser lights are usually red and there was no one else besides us in the theatre. The only person sitting to my left was my hubby and everyone else to the right was the rest of my family. So I turned to my hubby and asked DID YOU SEE THAT? He said he saw the same thing. Then I asked the rest of the family if they saw that and no one else did and they told us to stop talking nonsense. My hubby think it was an orb that people catch in photos or the ones on video. Whatever it was, it was unexplained. Oooh creepy...

This true story kept me awake all night and I kept thinking about it over and over in my head. Well there's this one house in my town next to my hubby's friends house. Everytime we would go to my hubby's friends house, we would pass by it because theres always people hanging out in front. Well there was a crime that happened at that house. Not really sure it was a crime or a suicide. But this one little boy was found in the backyard hanged around the neck on the tree. People would say he killed himself or a paranormal force attacked him or his brother was the one who killed him. He was found all bruised over his body. No one was found guilty of who did it, so they said it was suicide. But some people say it was his older brother who did and the family don't want to rat out their son and send him to jail because then they would lose another son.

Well that wasn't the scary part. The scary part is the people who live there now is seeing his ghost walking back and forth around the house as if he didn't die. They say that his ghost was seen putting stuff away and organizing things. So the people there decided to get buddhist monks to drive his spirit to a better place. So the monks went to their house and blessed and chanted the place. After they were done, the family there said it got worse. They said that his ghost was angry and started to throw things around and make a mess. Now everyone around the neighborhood is afraid of his ghost. They say because now they see him roaming around the neighborhood in places where he used to hang out. Now my hubby's friend, who told us the story yesterday, said he is moving out of that neighborhood because they have seen his ghost around. And he say now he's moving to our neighborhood. I'm getting chills writing about this....... thats it. Well please feel free to comment about the story and if you believe in ghosts or not.

My favorite fictional character is Sailor Moon because she's clumsy and funny. Then she has a hot guy always rescuing her.
The one that bugs me are the stupid cartoon characters that plays for little kids where they act all stupid and fart and stuff. I mean those are cartoon for little kids?! It's more like they are teaching kids bad manners!

It's called anime collectors. No one is in it except me. I don't know how to invite people to join it. So whoever loves anime and collects them, PLEASE JOIN! I buy so much anime stuff, no wonder why my credit cards are maxed out.

"This is the message you submitted:

Time: 2008-06-25 08:38
Subject:
Text:
I have a headache just trying to read other peoples entries. I don't mean that peoples entries give me headaches. But whatever I do, I've been getting headaches. And I'm going to be starting school again, I want to do good. I always do good in the beginning of the semester, then it seems I lose interest and my grades start waning off. I don't want to start reading a textbook and getting headaches.
I quit my job a month ago because I couldn't deal with going crazy. I just can't find any other job. I always think about what people think of me or say about me. Sometimes I get angry for no reason, wanting to punch something. Then I go wasting money buying games for the PS3 and Wii. Got myself a Wiifit to keep in shape, only used it twice. Now that $100 is just sitting there.
We need money for school, I hope I get approved for Fafsa. I fiiled it out since February of this year, then I found out that I don't qualify. But I realize I filled it out wrong, so I corrected it and now I hope I get money for school because we need it badly.
I need to talk to somebody for my depression and anxiety. AHH, I just want to pull my hair out.

Here are the reasons for the rejection as provided by the moderator:

talking about your day, isn't depression related"


(FUCK THEM, I don't need them anyways!)

I call out for help
but no one hears me
From the top of my lungs
until my voice gives out
They look at me
only to brush me aside
My tears overflow a steady stream
My life is not what it seems
This facade of happiness
has lasted throughout my lifetime
The depression has consumed me
Into an empty abyss
My death will only be a crime

I quitted my job, after that we found out my brother-in-laws youngest brother passed away. So now my brother-in-law came back from the army to go to his funeral. He said I am happy to be back home, but I'm back home for the wrong reason. He's happy to see the family, but he feels bad to be happy at the same time. Strange, the past week everything seems to go downhill. My hubby's arowana (fish) died last night too. It jumped in the tank, gashed its head, and now it's dead. The fish was about 2 years old. My hubby is sad.
I feel like a loser. And whatever anybody says to me makes me so angry! AHHHH

Guess what I had the nerves to do. I QUIT! I couldn't take it no more. That's why I'm here typing. My coworker was like what happen? Did they kick you out, I was like NO. He said anyways its poor here, paying you $50-60 is not enough. You can get $100 a day somewhere else. I was like thinking, Why are you still working here then. But its probably because he rents an apartment from them, and an apartment over here is like half what I make a month or more. Everything is so freaking expensive. Dumb economy. Everything sucks. Now I'm out of a job and I definitely dont want to cut hair NO MORE. I can't believe I lasted 3 months over there, my past 2 jobs I lasted not even a month because I was working part time. I don't know if it's my coworker or the owners trying to get me in trouble, but I'm no longer there no more, so I don't care...

Now I'm going to be depressed again because I don't have a job. My in-laws going to look at me like I'm worthless. That's why I don't want to be here no more. They used to say shit about me. Now I don't have no income again, so no money to move out. Hopefully a job opportunity opens up for me. Everything annoys me. It seems like the world is against me. AHHH. I'm going crazy again.

Sorry if my journal entries are so depressing............................................. Let me hit the lottery please!

R-Haunts.com is a website I created a couple of months ago about ghost stories I hear from people in the area I'm living in. Which is central valley California. It's not gaining momentum. I thought it would be a hit, but I guess no one really cares for ghost stories except me lol. Oh well.

Just sitting here waiting for my Sailor Moon dvds to come in the mail. Splurged almost $100 to get it on ebay. Damn these things are so freakin expensive for just one season! Just because they are out of print and the US lost the license to make them or show it on TV. Why did they do that? Sailor Moon was the best anime! for me anyways.... I just hate the fighting part. They take forever to transform. I love the romance and fairy tale. They should of focused more on the romance than the fighting. I mean they don't have to fight every freaking episode, it takes up half of the episode! I guess if there was no fighting, then they wouldn't need the sailor scouts and the world doesn't need to be saved...hmm

My son's birthday is coming up. His theme is going to be Pokemon! yeah. I wanted Yugi-Oh, but they don't sell those anymore and there isn't much a variety to choose from... I wanted to get pokemon toys as party favors, but one pokemon toy is a minimum of $3 and for 16 kids, thats. like almost $50! so that wont do. Pokemon cards, some candy, stickers, pencil or something.... any ideas?

Everything is getting stupid at work. It's getting me pissed off. My coworker says the owner is missing money out of the cash registers. They haven't named names, but I'm guessing they're suspecting me which is stupid. I mean there's only two workers, which is me and the other guy. My coworker says to me they think that money is missing because I open the cash register to put more dollar bills in the cash register. And when I do that it shows up on the receipt as the cash register being opened. Well they're not there everyday, how the hell would they know how much they be making. F-ing dumbasses. Now they are there everyday to monitor or something, which is annoying.

I almost lost it when I cut this one boys hair, the owner cut the dads hair. He paid for both and gave the money to the owner. Then he said that the tip money was for me too, which I saw him pointing the finger to me and I was standing right there sweeping the floor. Then he left, the owner just looked at the cash register and closed it. I was like what the f-uck. I swear the owner kept my tip money. I didn't say nothing or do anything. I just pretended like nothing happened. I was too in shock. I mean if I did ask her about the tip money, she can just say he didn't leave any tip money. Then it will be my word against hers. Greedy bitch. So I was like whatever, I'm going to be quitting soon anyways when I find another job. But until then, f-ck them.

Then there's this one client that comes in every week or so. He's f-cking annoying too. He always try to say shit to me or about me to my clients. Just because when it was my first day there I messed up on his brother in laws hair. I mean it was an honest mistake, I didn't know what the heck a regular haircut was. And he knew it was my first day there, thats why he didn't let me cut his hair. Now he's giving me shit ever since then. I just ignore him, when he does that he talks to my client. Like oh she's getting better isn't she. My client looks at him like what the f-ck are you talking about. Or he says that whoever is cutting his hair is the best, just to piss me off. I just want to throw a scissor at him or something.

I thought my depression has subsided, but it keeps coming back even worse. I ran out of vicodin. When I take it I get dizzy, then I ask myself "Am I dead yet? Am I dead yet?" over and over again. Now when I have a headache, I would look for vicodin, but I have no more so it doesn't matter. I look at the Tylenol, but I don't take it. I just think it sucks. I think my boss knows I'm lazy about coming to work. She's figuring out that I'm not sick every week! But isn't depression a sickness? It seems like I want her to hate me, maybe she would actually fire me? I know she wouldn't because I'm cheap labor. Who the hell would she get for $50 a day? Some dumbass like me!

I want to go out every day to go buy stuff or to eat. Just to make me happy and not think so much about work. Two days off of work is not enough for me. I think my depression got worse when I started working. I would always get mad about everything. Then I would always lie and say I don't feel good so I can't go to work. I would yell at my husband saying it's his fault. If he actually made more money, then I wouldn't have to work. I'm mad everyday and everything pisses me off. How do I make it go away?

Lucky today is my day off from work. A couple of days ago, someone in the house open my mail again! It's the freaking third time already! The first two times I found it was my sister in law. I asked her about or I was about to kick her ass. She said oh, I thought it was mine because it was in my room. I mean how can you mistaken it when your name starts with an S and mine starts with an R. How freaking stupid are you! Then she did it again. Again she said the same thing... Thats when I decided to check the mail myself, until I started working I had no time to check the mail. That's when a few days ago, someone opened my mail. I saw my mail on the kitchen counter, went to open it, but it was already opened... I was pissed. I know that someone thought it was a check because of that green check look and because of the tax rebate checks we were getting back from the government, lucky we did direct deposit into the banking account. But it wasn't a check, it was my cosmetology license. stupid f-ing people. Don't know who did it because no one was around.

Then yesterday my sis-in-law asked for 20 bucks for the phone bill because the phone bill was under her name. I freaking swear we paid her already. She took the money a couple of weeks ago when I told her to cash the phone rebate check. Which she did, it was $50 but she gave back $30. She said oh this is for next month. Now it's next month and she said we haven't paid. So I gave her $20 in dollar bills cuz I was pissed. Lucky she is leaving to Georgia tomorrow for like a week. So I don't have to see her face. I am never paying her a month early no more!

I need to get out of here. Can't stand living with my in-laws. Need my own house by next year. Now I'm working hard to save up my money, I swear, everyone is driving me crazy. I guess it's everybody for themself now.......

Sometimes I want to lay down to sleep and never wake up.

When I have a headache, I would take Tylenol and hope I overdose. (How can I overdose if I only take 2 pills at the most?)
Maybe I should take Tylenol #3, that will put me to sleep or some Vicodin. Make this pain go away...

People think I'm on a diet.
Actually I really don't care about my weight.
I don't eat much hoping I'll die of starvation.
No one will notice that....

I didn't go to work again. I cried not wanting to go. My hubby got mad, so he made me stay at home because he said I was already late anyways. It's hard lying to everyone, telling I'm sick, I got a headache.  I talked to my cousin today, then my aunt. My aunt says she saw my birth father in Fresno. His name is Soksan or something like that. She didn't talk to him because she hates him. She said that when he was with my mom, he was a deadbeat dad who didn't want to do anything but gamble, so they kicked him out. She said that he's doing well off now because he has a wife and nice cars, and older kids. She said that he probably doesn't recognize me. It's been over 20 years. It's nice to know, but not really sure if it's him or not. She says it's him because he looks like me. There's a lot of stories out there, so I don't know which to believe.

I missed being a stay at home mom. I should've stuck to it. But now I know what's its like to work.......Work sucks. My hubby tells me thats why its called work, WORK IS WORK. We still need the money if we want to get our own house next year. I have to stick to it. Even though I feel sick everyday..... Is there work out there that I will actually like doing and don't mind going to? Is there such a thing?

PS, I checked out depression and Sylvia Browne books at the library yesterday.

Again I didn't go to work. I told my husband I didn't feel good. He didn't believe it. He told me to go anyways. I had a headache and bad diarrhea last night... Didn't get enough sleep. So I got ready and didn't go to work. Instead I went out. Drove around everywhere. It's not fun going out to places by yourself, I should know. I went to watch a movie, to eat, to buy stuff. Went to the library, got some books. I was trying to find places to go but realized there was nothing to do... Such a small town I live in. So I went to go to buy a present to my hubby and left it in the car. I hope he doesn't find it. I'm thinking about saving it for our anniversary in a month.

 I seem so bad. I don't want to do this, but I don't know whats wrong with me. Is it my depression, anxiety? I'm so tired. I know we need the money. But for me it's not about the money anymore. I don't care, I don't care about anything anymore. I can't even shed tears for this bad thing I've done. I can't help it. Someone please help me............... I'm going crazy.

I've been working as a hairstylist for about 6 weeks now. I can't stand waking up in the morning and going. I didn't want to be a hairstylist in the first place. It was my grandma's idea in high school. But I wanted to make her happy. Now I'm stuck with the reality. It's the only job I can get because I have no work experience.

I wake up saying I don't want to go. Today I called in not feeling well while I write this. Am I so bad? I guess I'm depressed and suicidal. Because when I drive to work, I wished someone would hit my car. At every intersection, I wished someone would run a red light and hit me. One time I was stuck at a train stop, I was thinking if I moved forward a little more onto the train track, I would get hit. That's how bad it is. Yesterday while I was driving to work, I almost rear ended three cars because I was driving fast and they just cut in front of me. I slowly brake... No accidents so far, I couldn't live with it if there was.

Why I don't want to cut hair? It's not such a bad job actually. I only cut men's hair, but I only get paid 50 bucks a day full time. It's not my thing. I hate meeting people. Some are so picky, it annoys me. I stare at peoples hair so long, I start seeing stars. Then my neck aches. Then I have a head ache (I have one right now too). Some people are nice though.

I wished I can go back in time and tried harder. Tried harder at everything. I promise if I can go back to school full time, I'll get straight A's. I'll keep the room clean, I'll do everything. I promise...

If my life wasn't so messed up. I know everyone's life is not picture perfect. So what makes mine different? I don't know. I was born not knowing my father. Then my mom left me with my grandma. Then she took me to live with her and someone elses husband. Then someone shot him. She got remarried. For about ten years I was the best daughter anyone could have. Straight A student, until junior high. She dropped me off with my grandmother while she runs away with another guy, my stepdad's friend... Then my life went downhill. My grandma was psycho. I couldn't stand her.

She would yell at me for anything I did that didn't seem appropriate. I was fighting with my cousin for the remote. She comes yell at me saying I'm just like my mom, a bitch. She told me to run away. Where was I suppose to go? So I hid in the closet and cried. Then she come looking for me and found me in the closet. So she yells at me some more.

This other time I wanted to go to my friends birthday party. She says no. I asked why. She says friends are good for nothing. They make you bad. So I end up crying. There's no sympathy from her, no love.

In junior high, I actually got straight A's, 4.0 gpa. They acted like it's nothing. So I thought if they didn't care, not like I do either. That's when my grades went downhill. In 7th grade I won the school spelling bee, then I went to the district spelling bee. I didn't win that one, but I did won a gold medal. Then in 8th grade I won the school spelling bee again. Every teacher I knew congratulated me, I was ecstatic. When I went home, I studied the book they gave for the district spelling bee. I had to asked my aunt to drive me there because I had no ride and she drove me there last time. She said to me, what's the use of going if you're not going to win. That put me down. I went to school the next day telling the spelling bee coordinator I wouldn't make it to the district. She said if I had no ride, she would take me. I said no, I just kept saying no and nothing else.

All my life living with them made me crazy. I couldn't go nowhere. I couldn't do anything. My grandma would brag to other peoples family that I was a good girl and I stay home all the time. I do not know what that does though.

I have a headache and feel a little dizzy so I'm going to stop right here.

Hi, I am new to livejournal. Just stumbled upon it while looking on how to print a book. The site told me just writing anything for anyone to see, people will know you and your book. Thats if I ever finish writing it. Probably finish about page one. Now I feel like buying a domain name for my website since I actually have a job, instead of using geocities. I think I will look that up right now....